My Dinner With Esory, IId [7 Thory 4261]
When we escaped from Gounne Gousse -- and I use the word "escaped" advisedly here, for any establishment from which I leave having that much less money, I surely may use the word "escape" -- a Khtsoyis was trying to steal the Insignificant Ruby Bone Chariot.
Now, I daresay that stealing an ordinary unattended carriage is a reasonably straightforward matter. One simply clambers in, picks up the reins, flicks them, observes the unsatisfactory result, clambers out again, unties the horses, clambers back in, picks up the reins again, flicks them, and trots off. (The experienced carriage-thief may skip certain of these steps.) It is for this reason that most carriage-owners hire coachmen or valets or what-have-you to watch their carriages while they are dining on slug soup at Gounne Gousse.
However, the Insignificant Ruby Bone Chariot is never, strictly speaking, unattended. Thus, we have the following conversation (with the Khtsoyis' lines slightly reconstructed and extensively expurgated here and there, though the chariot's being fairly accurate):
Khtsoyis:"Now, this ain't ... no skyship and so ... there oughta be ... controls I can figger out."
Chariot:"Indeed there are, good sir, indeed there are! "
Khtsoyis:"Son of a poet! ... It's a filial-piety-possessing ... talking automaton!"[not his exact words.]
Chariot:"Not so! I regret that I lack both the relevant appendage and the relevant relative!"
Khtsoyis:"Well, ain't that ... a shame that engages in an intermediate degree of intimate contact with barnyard animals. ... What are you ... doing here?"
Chariot:"I am waiting for hungry, live, polygonal diners to emerge from this building, whereupon I shall transport them hither or perhaps thither as they desire!"
Khtsoyis:"So, they get ... to go in and ... enjoy themselves ... and you ... must stay here ... on the wall which indulges in a great variety of vulgar behaviors which architecture is not ordinarily capable of."
Chariot:"Oh, but I am abandoned and reticulated and cast aside, as if I were an inanimate object rather than a kind-hearted and refined and elegant and nonsentient thingamabob!"
Khtsoyis:"Now that story ... just makes me ... cry. I wanna ... help you out ... ya know? "
Chariot:"Oh, please help me out! I am but a poor conscripted slervant stuck here on a wall!"
Khtsoyis:"Hey then, open ... up and I'll show ... you a good time."
Chariot:"Oh! Such bland blandishments! How can I resist?"
Khtsoyis:"Let's you and ... me drive off ... and I'll take real ... good care of ... you!"
Chariot:"Oh! I should be strong, but I am weak! Your subductive touch has caused me to spread my limbs and allow you entrance!"
Khtsoyis:"Yeah ... now let's go ..."
Chariot:"You, yourself, must drive!"
Khtsoyis:"OK, baby. How ... do I make you ... go!"
Chariot:"The controls are simplicity themselves! At your left tentacle you may observe a bumply knob in the shinbone of a spangled mangrel, which is the control governing the extension of my eleventh leg's middle joint. Over your head, there is a strawberry in an eyesocket, which determines the hardness of the seats in the month of Thory. You are fortunate indeed that it is not Oix, for in Oix that strawberry governs the degree of itching that the passengers must endure."
Khtsoyis:"Baby, let's try ... just a simple ... go forward."
Chariot:"Oh, I think you have already been most forward! You have secluded me --- here --- on the street!"
Khtsoyis:"No, I mean, let's ... go that way."
Chariot:"To do that you must engage my canchetts, and place my drive prawdle in cheer, and copulate with me until I glow, and excise the mermaid from the parable!"
Khtsoyis:"I don't ... quite follow ... that. Can we get ... going ... already?"
Chariot:"We are already going! Cannot you see the wirbs and the walls zooming past? But hurry, press the spangled dargle and crease my grommets, or we might crash into a parrot!"
Khtsoyis:"What ... your what?"
Chariot:"Crease my grommets! Quickly! With a cantilevered cantaloupe!"
Khtsoyis:"What?"[This went on for some minutes. Esory and I arrived in the middle of this, and slunk around and watched.]
Khtsoyis:"OK, baby. I ... gotta go now. I'll come ... back and rescue ... you."
Chariot:"Oh, to leave is very simple. You praise the clips on either side of the astrological dimension, and -- voila! A perfect aptitude!"
At this point the chariot noticed Esory, and trotted down the wall to her, complete with trapped Khtsoyis. Some negotiations were performed, and the Khtsoyis was allowed to leave without legal complications for anyone.