Sythyry (sythyry) wrote,

OOC: Seven Things You're Doing Wrong In Bed

[I just saw one too many of those "Five things you're doing wrong in the bathroom" articles and had to write one of my own.]

1. Sleeping vertically. Lie *down* people, you're not horses. Unless of course you are horses, ponies, bronies, unicorns, etc.

2. Wearing chainmail. Look, either you're safe in bed, or you'll get a dagger through the eye, or maybe smothered with a pillow. Chainmail will not help you. Helmet, OK. Chainmail, no.

3. Building shelves. Look, carpentry is *not* a relaxing bedroom activity. Let's keep the saws in the workshop, people. Or the kitchen or the surgery-room if you /must/.

4. Baking bread. I know you love those heavy, warm comforters. But bread bakes at 350°F, and that is too warm for effective sleeping. Letting it rise in your bed is OK, but you gotta be careful or those comforters will be heavy, warm, /yeasty/ comforters.

5. Bingo. Honestly there is no good reason to play bingo under *any* circumstances. It's a really stupid game.

6. Boinking Kim Fengeree. Seriously. Kim Fengeree is not good for you. Kim Fengeree has a long history of stealing from lovers: a trail of vanished televisions, jewelry, virginities, and fancy wine bottles a mile long. Also, broken hearts and the occasional case of gonorrhea. If you're going to boink Kim Fengeree — and Kim Fengeree is well worth boinking — do it in a hotel room.

7. Making sandwiches. Seriously? Those sandwiches? That gluten-free 'bread' crap is getting crumbs all over your bed. That cruelty-free lettuce is full of sand, and you aren't washing it because *your bed has no sink*. That gluten-free corned beef is /stupid/ because neither corn nor beef has gluten. That corn-syrup-free American cheese is not real cheese. And that mayo is a *year* past its expiration date.
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