This poll exists largely to provide incriminating evidence against you.
Refusal to answer a question shall be taken as evidence that you would have
answered the question the worst possibly way but are covering it up.
I give money to Senators...
in exchange for secret government contracts
so they won't tell about our little sexual misadventures
because I don't know what else to do with it
When I am confronted by a gerbil or some other menacing beast, I ...
soon need dry pants
My favorite food is...
stir-fried tiger tongues
spiced with the thalamus glands of my enemies
fried in not less than 3,000 quarts of lard
My favorite music is:
rarely without melodic or harmonic structure
performed without the use of marimbas or ukeleles
largely composed of tones in the human hearing range
When I am all alone and unobserved, I ...
use old episodes of Barney as self-pleasuring material
construct explosive devices for use in local grocery stores and hospitals
slowly torment and kill members of endangered species
Adolf Hitler was:
an Easter bunny made out of chocolate and filled with spicy tomato sauce
I support myself largely by
very strong steel pillars sunk deep into a concrete substructure
I am ...
a Communist cucumber chef from Cincinnati
a lesbian linoleum layer from Lima
a heretical harem haberdasher from Hades
When I am dead, I want my body to be:
sold for $0.99/lb in the nearest grocery store, mislabeled as
covered in a 2-foot-thick layer of pure gold and set as a statue on
top of the capitol building of my country as an inspirational sign to
taxidermied in a pose in which it can be used as a sex toy by as many
people as possible
Cute puppies and kittens are:
the favorite instruments of both Satan and Stalin
excellent fodder for my army of giant spiders
loathy in my sight, so that my gorge riseth at the sight thereof