Flooosh and the Pastry Boxes of Doom [14 Chirreb 4261]
Floosh:[Looking up from some biscuit dough.]"Oh, hi Sythyry! How's Thery doing?"
wMe:"She's alive. The Countess had to disintegrate her doctor to do it, and Thery died a dozen times, but she's alive. Her daughter's Ficina, "Little Fig.""
Floosh:"That's cute. Coming to visit a friend in a lower emergency environment, then?"
Me:"Well, um, actually I wanted to give you a fresh new emergency. I've got 'em to spare, you see."
Floosh:[pointing at the oven and pulling up a chair next to it.]"Have a seat. "
Me: [curling up in the oven]"Y'see, I want to order some of your Supreme Fantabulous Breakfast Box specials."
Floosh:"That's certainly fresh, but not very emergencyful! Unless you need them to bribe healers or something."
Me:"Well, no, that's not the emergency. I guess I've got two emergencies, really. The one for you is that I need a lot of them."
Floosh:"Oh, we do big orders all the time, Sythyry. I just need to pull in some extra staff. Sweet of you to be worried, though. When do you need them for?"
Me:"I think we have two or three weeks -- the exact date doesn't matter that much. Just all of them on the same day, and before breakfast."
Floosh:"Sure. Though I daresay the date matters to your catering hall! You should check in with them first. What's the party for, anyway? "
Me:"Um ... er ... I suppose it's celebrating our conquest over Vae. Or our new ally. Client state. Client monster. Whatever she is. But there's no catering hall. They're for Oorah Thrassen Mene."
Floosh: [Laughing, and obviously not getting the point.] "Oh, I figured maybe you were having --oh, I don't know -- a traff Breakfast Ball or something? I guess you can't really invite a monster to a catering hall... But Oorah Thrassen? That's an odd place to have a party. I mean, if you're from here. Won't say I've never place an order for there, but not too often."
Me: [curling up 'cause the traff Breakfast Ball idea is awfully embarrassing.] "No, nothing like that. It's not a party. We're inflicting breakfast on them. So we need about twelve thousand breakfast boxes. And, well, there's no point to using bad breakfasts as a weapon, so I want to use yours."
Floosh:"You'll have to help me with the details though, of what the figures are supposed to look like. Do you really want a little nendrai in every box? It could try to make it cute, but it'd still probably really be terrifying... Better make it 12 + 7 thousand. Wouldn't want to run short."
Me:"Oh, that's a good idea, the figure at least. A little nendrai being ridden by the duke. But the twelve thousand is a bit generous. We think there are about ten thousand people outside the city. And Vae can't teleport them into the city."
Floosh: [laughing considerably]"You mean ridden like a horse, right? Not like...you know. This isn't that kind of party, right?"
Me:"Yark! No! Not like that! I'd get killed a thousand times if I did that!"
Floosh:"Stop. Wait. You mean literally twelve thousand? "
Me:"Literally twelve thousand, yes."
Floosh:"Let me make sure I understand. You...are trying to have the nendrai...feed the entire population of Oorah Thrassen...breakfast?"
Me:"No, not the entire population. Just the ones outside the city walls. "
Floosh:[apparently sighing with relief, but I'm pretty sure it was fake.]"Oh, that's different. I suppose I could pull this together, if I pull in strings from everywhere."
Orren are, of course, fearsomely cute when they go in a Wild Rush. Even Floosh, whom I would not consider any sort of involvement with.
Floosh:"OK, we need to make something that looks good and is quick...keeps a few days...appropriate for all species..by Pararenenzu, what does a nendrai eat! Oh my..." [she turned the sign on the front of shop to "Closed", then back to "Open", twice] "...wait, do they all need to be identical?! Oh! Oh! Um, who's going to pay for this?"
Me:"The boxes ... I don't know that they need to be identical. I suppose she could do eight spells instead of one to send them around."
Me:"Who's going to pay...? Um ... I don't know?"
Floosh:"Then, oh! well! If we do that, we need to know how many people of each species are there, and well, maybe there arent any Zi Ri, 'cept you, and if you get a big portion it's okay, just leave some over, right? And well, do we need to make any for other mosters, like if Vae has any friends or something and..." [She suddenly dropped out of Wild Rush. Less cute, but better for organizing things.] "Well, I can't do anything if I don't know how it's getting paid for. This whole shop is barely worth a rush order of twelve thousand pastry boxes."
This seemed like a good occasion for a Wild Rush of my own:
Me:"It's not for me really, or Vae. Just for the primes of Oorah Thrassen Mene. "
Me:"Oh ... well ... how much will it cost? "
Me:"I think that the city guard is paying. Or the duke. Or something like that. Maybe they're making Vae pae for it, I don't know."
Me:"I hope they're not making me pay. ~Mother~ will have to increase my allowance a lot."
Floosh:"Let's see. I can do a Deluxe Breakfast Box normally for about a lozen. Rush orders are usually double or so. I'll probably need to pay extra to get enough of everything, some will need to be sent from kind of far away...and I'm guessing I'm not allowed to order from Oorah Thrassen?"
Me:"Well, that probably wouldn't be a good idea... Choinxeian League states only, I guess. "
Floosh:"OK. Figure....thirty-five thousand lozens, more or less? "
Me:"I really, really hope they're not making me pay for it."
Floosh:"I'd -- in theory, if you really wanted this-- need about ten thousand of it up front, just to get materials ordered. "
Me:[I tried not to wail, really I did.] "I don't want it! I don't want to have anything to do with it!"
Floosh:"By the way, this is your idea? Vae's? Have you even asked the Duke about it? Because, honestly, breakfast isn't the best weapon. Oh, if you want the poptaloops to explode or something, that'll be a lot more. That price is just for normal breakfast."
Me:"No, it's Seeks-... um ... I think she's seeking oilpaintings or something today. Strenata's idea. And it's not a weapon, it's just a display of power."
Floosh:[giggling] "Yes, Academy Bakery is the most powerful bakery on the branch!"
I more or less tied my neck in a knot laughing.
Me:"It's kind of a big display of power. Vae's doing it with just a few spells. Spontaneous ones."
Me:"Teleporting the boxes to everyone."
Floosh:"Not that I wouldn't like the challenge of my life, but if the nendrai want to impress people, shouldn't she make the breakfast? I guess if people really like it, I could maybe someday open another shop in Oorah Thrassen. So I guess it's free advertising. But...I don't know..."Breakfast of Monsters" isn't a very good ad."
Me:"I don't know that she knows how to cook. She'd be doing it with spells, so it'd come out crappy. And reeking of insanely powerful magic."
Floosh:"So, wait. I'm sorry, I don't get it. We're telling Oorah Thrassen, "Here, have a delicious breakfast! Courtesy of the frindly monsters of Chonxeia! Have a great day!"
Me:"More or less. I think someone else has to write the actual note."
Floosh:"And this is useful? I thought Vae was pretty happy with a few books here and there. Now we have to spend tens of thousands of lozens so she can enjoy being a delivery service? "
Me:"The intended subtext is, "Here, have delicious breakfast, delivered to all of you at once with one spell by one of our newer and lesser allies. Behold the insane depths of our powers! Fear the possible wicked uses! Stop defeating us embarrassingly even though you're so much smaller and less powerful!""
Floosh:"Anyway, weren't nendrai supposed to like to take stuff, not give people stuff?"
Me:"It's not for Vae's benefit! It's showing everyone that she's our pawn."
Me:"Well, I dunno that exactly. We're saying she is, though.."
Floosh:"So, you want to tell everyone, "Hey, we have a big monster. She's impressive! But you guys have breakfast, so don't be too sad..." I still don't get it, really."
Me:"I ... don't think that's quite right either. I think it's more like, "Hey! Look at our big new weapon! But guess what? We're not doing anything unfriendly with it! This time!""
Me:"Or, maybe, "Hey! Look at our new batshit loco monster! But guess what? Our duke is batshit loco too!""
Floosh:"But watch out, or next time....an early supper!"
Floosh:"Is the Duke batshit loco? I would believe it, if he pays for this plan. But if someone pays, I can make it happen."
Me:"Well, he seemed pretty impressed by Strenata anyways. And following her advice, too. If that's not batshit loco, I don't know what is. I'll find out who pays. "
Floosh:"I'm going to have to sell the version of the box I make up for this as my "Monster Breakfast". Oh, here." [She put a regular pastry box on the counter.] "Fig pastries. For the new family."
Me:[Levitating the box]"I'll take it to them.... enough for their new wet-nurse too?"
Floosh:"Oh, yes, plenty for any visitors for the next day or two."
Me:"I forgot to tell you ... guess who the wet nurse is?"
Me:"No ... the countess."
Floosh:"OK, someone the countess knows....I have no idea who the countess knws. Though it makes sense she'd arrange it, she's probably the most awake."
Me:"No -- the countess. Herself. "
Me:"She's gone all Rassimel about helping Thery."
Floosh:"I better be careful hanging around you, Sythyry! Or I might start thinking that nobility should parent other people's children and breakfast should be served by monsters!"
Me:"I better be careful hanging around me, too. "
Floosh:"Seriously, what does she even know about kids?"
Me:"Not a thing, Flooosh. Not a thing."
Floosh:"Well, hanging around oneself can't be avoided, except with Locodor, which makes you...batshit loco, I think."
And there was no arguing that. Locador specialists do seem to go insane, or start out insane, much more often than one might expect. Strenata doesn't use Locador much that I know of. I don't know her excuse.
So now I need to find out who is paying for this particular bit of insanity.