Bard's Horoscope for Sagittarius: Today, due to a conjunction conjoined with a disjunction, Sagittarius will be pluralized as Sagittarioioi. Today, Sagittarioioi will break through mental barriers, but should not attempt to break through metal barriers, but can attempt to break through meal barriers. Today, Sagittarioioi should ride woolly mammoths whenever possible, and mastodons when mammoths are unavailable. Today, Sagittarioioi are immune from the calories in cupcakes, steak, and anything eaten off of another person's body.
Bard's Horoscope for Virgo: Today, Virgos will defeat the monster turtle Gamera, by drinking it under the table. Today, Virgo will file their taxes, and then they will hacksaw their taxes, and then they will chainsaw their taxes. Today, Virgos will enjoy brief but intense success as Japanese teen bands, before being disqualified on the grounds that "Virgo" is not a technically accurate description. Today, Virgos will win staring contests with housecats.
Bard's Horoscope for Aquariums (for Mel Drake). Today, Aquariums will consistently be mistyped. Today, Aquariums will be accompanied by a squad of mutant barbarian opabinia for their own protection and glorification. Today, Aquariums will find triumph in defeat and defeat in triumph, decide that's too confusing, and stick to the more ordinary way of finding triumph in triumph and defeat in defeat. Today, Aquariums will forget to put on deodorant, and, as a synesthesiac consequence, will be accompanied by the Dance of the Sugar-Plum Fairies emanating from their underarms.
ard's Horoscope of the Day for Libra. Libras will find themselves spontaneously breaking into romantic arias today. Libras will also find themselves spontaneously breaking into romantic bank vaults today. Libras should plant gardens today, using the skulls of their enemies for flowerpots. Libras should be sure to be between twelve and fourteen feet tall today, and to wear heavily-sequined costumes.
Bard's Horoscope of the Day for Cancer (for DanceNyaad Carrie Tron). Today, Cancers will discover their hidden power, in the form of a 1500-watt cake-fueled generator that was hiding behind their spleen. Today, Cancers will conquer major airlines with broadswords and dudeswords. Today, Cancers will stub their toes, and swear about it so creatively and eloquently and awesomely as to come up with more new romance than they can actually handle.
Bard's Horoscope of the Day for Leo (for Rebekah Groat): Today, Leos will discover that the foot that they gnawed off to get out of that trap yesterday is well on its way to regenerating. Today, Leos will find unexpected quarters in their couches, unexpected hindquarters in their underwear, and unexpected quarterstaves in their armories. Today, Leos will be frustrated in their attempts to kill their enemies by lightning, but only because those enemies have already been killed by trilobite bites.
Bard's Horoscope of the Day for Gemini: Today, Geminis have poisoned spikes growing out of their elbows. Today, Geminis are able to digest small pebbles, and particularly enjoy limestone. Today, Geminis secretly fetishize rutabagas but refuse to admit it (even to other Geminis) because they think No One Will Understand.
Bard's horoscope for Scorpio. Oh, Scorpio, today is *NOT* going to be a good day. You are going to discover that your solid-gold television actually contains a mere 80% solid gold (by weight). Your super-ultra-mega-hyper-chocolate sundae will merely be super-mega-hyper-chocolate with not a trace of ultra in it at all. You will require no fewer than *three* sharp words to send that obnoxious would-be pick-up-artist whimpering and crying in a corner. Alas, Scorpio!